“You know, like, what are you looking for?” That’s what the old guy said to me yesterday. I didn’t want to tell him that I came here looking for a place to belong, a place to call home.
I thought when my partner and I got together, that despite all the odds, I finally found a great guy, that we would share a life together, and that I finally had a place where I would be loved and cherished no matter what, a place that I could call home. This is not how it’s turning out, that’s for sure.
So I am here in the middle of Mexico, in San Miguel de Allende, waiting for the final verdict: will we stay together or not? It seems like there’s no way we can; but even with all the damage done and the cards stacked against us, I still feel like there’s a chance it might work out. Crazy. I know.
While I was in the Bahamas, I learned a lot. The swamis gave talks on anger and love — on the ever-changing nature of Maya and how our attachments lead to frustrated desires which leads to anger, especially in relationship to another. The other person always changes, and so will I. And even though we can work and work on ‘issues’, sometimes some of the root will remain; so just know that it’s there, but don’t focus on it.
I read books by Yogi Bhajan and another one someone gave me by Don Miguel Ruiz. And they all told me things I may not have wanted to hear, but that I needed to hear, things that kind of make sense of this strange situation I find myself in at the moment.
From Yogi Bhajan:
Have you seen people who just go flip-flop out of the blue? These are the people in their childhood who didn’t find out who they are. They couldn’t find their identity. Have you seen people that just lay trauma on you? These are the children who didn’t find in their heart the love of their father. Have you seen people who pretend to be very good? But when you rely on their goodness, they just pull the rug out from under your feet. These are all children who didn’t find the love of their mother.
Seemed to say a lot about my own life and also the people I find myself in relationship with again and again. And so what is the answer? Practice, I guess. Practicing faith, love and forgiveness, releasing expectations, and knowing that we’re all in this together.