I write these words because I am 100% sure there are many more out there who have felt this way and/or are feeling this way right now. I want you to know that you are not alone. And there is a reason for everything that is happening in your life. Have faith, stay strong, keep seeking, and amazing things can happen.
As far back as I can remember, I felt like ‘reality’ wasn’t quite the way it seemed. And I especially knew that things were NOT the way those ‘grown ups’ in charge of me were telling me they were. It always felt like I was missing an important piece of the puzzle, like everybody was holding out on a key piece of information and I didn’t know why.
I remember things that my family tells me I shouldn’t remember – I was too young to remember they say. I feel like I came into life with a lot of memories. Memories that most of us want to forget when we embody, that blissful state of amnesia we choose to operate from most of our lives. But some of us ask to remember, NEED to remember – so we can do the work we came here to do. I am one of Those.
I was an extremely sensitive child and I began to “seek” at a very young age. My cousin and I could sense ghosts and spirits. He and I talked of [what I now know to be] the divine lights that we saw when we closed our eyes. I read my grandmother’s books on witches and the paranormal. People in high school used to call me a witch. Maybe they could see a part of me I chose to forget. I don’t know. I loved horror movies and was fascinated by the mysteries of life. Books and creating art became my escape, a fantasy world of my own making.
By age 15, I was a rebellious “punk rock girl” and my depression began. Anger turned inwards. Mom put me on meds, took me to a psychologist, took me to church three times a week, told me I was possessed. In the end, I turned away. From all of it. And her.
Why couldn’t I be like everyone else? What was this nagging voice always inside me? Why couldn’t I find peace & contentment? What was this thing called love that seemed to cause so much pain and contention? And why was there so much suffering in the world? These thoughts haunted my dreams and my waking hours, as I tried to fit in and tried to be the person I thought I was ‘supposed’ to be, that society and my family ‘expected’ me to be.
Shortly after I turned 15, I found drugs – marijuana and inhalants to be specific. By age 16, I had a baby – my worst fear come true: to fuck up another human being with my abhorrent ways. And by age 18, I got hooked on heroin while attending art school in Philadelphia. Heroin was the Ultimate Escape, la petite mort in a needle. Looking back, heroin gave me that Divine Connection I was seeking all of my life. But it was fleeting and fickle. It never lasted, and I always needed more.
Thank God the drug phase of my life was relatively short, though it took many friends in its wake. I have to acknowledge that psychedelic drugs did, in fact, expand my mind and gave me a peek into the hidden unspoken reality I had always sensed was there. I glimpsed the Truth that no one wanted to acknowledge because it would cause the ultimate collapse of the society that our government has created, a consumeristic society filled with a sense of lack and people that have an insatiable desire for more of everything. When in fact, we have everything already. But I digress.
In 2003, I had a near death experience after an attempted suicide. This experience changed my life on so many levels. But most importantly, the desire to heal my existential spiritual pain led me to a Buddhist meditation class and to yoga.
Within the first couple of months of attending this meditation class, I had an out-of-body experience. Two light beings took me out above the Earth and showed me how we are All One. I felt an incredible sense of love, peace, and unity. This is the Truth that I had been seeking all my life.
Needless to say, this experience kept me meditating. 🙂
From that point on, things continued to improve. In 2010, I signed up for the Yoga Teacher Training Course at the Sivananda Ashram in the Bahamas. During that course, I learned about Vedantic philosophy. These teachings finally ‘rang true’. These words were what I had been seeking all of my life. God is not judgmental or vengeful as my mother’s religion had taught me. God can be found within, God could be found everywhere. God is love and WE ARE LOVE because we are made in the image of God.
During the teacher training course, I also had a dream that revealed many past lives. I was shown the people that I was engaged with during those lives, who they were in this lifetime, and the contracts that we agreed to in this lifetime. It made sense of many of the painful relationships I had experienced this time around.
Through meditation and a deep desire to know the Truth of reality, I continue to have revelations. I believe that everyone can have these experiences too and find peace with their own existence. With the right Teacher, at the right time and the right place.
The most useful piece of learning for the uses of life is to unlearn what is untrue. — Antisthenes